1. I do not feel that paragraph one is an example of good writing. I do not believe that the excerpt presents a valid claim. The thesis, "Though to some it has been disappointing, the present day revolution in education has been a long time on its way," is a double claim. It tries to present two different ideas at the same time, and in so doing only manages to confuse the reader. The writer needs to pick one point of view and argue only that. The thesis is also a truism. All revolutions are a long time on its way. The thesis does not invoke interest in the reader, nor is it something that needs to be proved. A thesis is not acceptable if it can not be directly argued. The excerpt also has a hard time going in only one direction. It is all over the place, and ends with two questions that have not been well related to the thesis. This paragraph also uses over the top language. The author over embellishes the piece to try to sound sophisticated, but instead it comes off confusing and unnecessary. This excerpt would benefit from better editing and a clearer focus. The piece also needs a proper thesis. In conclusion I do not feel that this writing is an example of good writing.
2. The second paragraph is an example of bad writing. The writing is full of truisms, for example "If it is a bright sunny day, people tend to be cheery and bright, like the weather." This is a well known idea. The thesis, "If you keep your wits about you, you can see that the weather has its effect on how most people feel," is itself a truism. The inclusion of "most" in her thesis is also misleading. The use of "most" causes the reader to feel she has less confidence in her opinion. I am also confused as to why she says "if you keep your wits about you". I am not sure that the topic of weather is something in which you need to "keep your wits about you". Really, weather imitating how we feel is not a spooky idea. There is tons of scientific evidence to support it, none of which is mentioned here ironically. The whole piece is written on a topic that is widely known and talked about. It is very unoriginal and does not contain a spark or an appeal for the reader. The author does not present real scientific information either, she simply concludes that rain makes people depressed, and that some find snow magical. Her ideas are very one-dimensional. For these reasons, I would have to conclude that this paragraph was not well written.
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Excellent instincts, Victoria. You've gone through both examples very methodically with careful attention to content and form. Note in your paragraphs how often you start a sentence with the word "The". Strive to use more transitions and avoid starting any two sentences in the same paragraph with the same word. This simple rule will force you to add more creative dimension to your writing. At present, it's a bit robotic. You want to maintain your succinctness, but you want there to be some energy and beauty in the voice, too.
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